Wahh! That's amazing news! Congratulations for getting a place on a PGCE course. Getting a place alone is a massive achievement and is something to be proud of - the interviews for teacher training courses are no mean feat, so on that day you click "Firm Acceptance" in that box on UCAS, it gives you them undergrad butterflies all over again. What will it be like? What if I hate it? Who will be on my course?! ...all those questions come flooding back - and I've decided to give you a little flavour of what a PGCE course is really like.
First off, it's exciting. Like, seriously exciting. You're about to start a whole new chapter in your life and this deserves celebrating. If you haven't already, give yourself a victory squeeee!!
For those of you not already in the know, I've recently completed my PGCE in Secondary Design and Technology at the University of Huddersfield. The PGCE course is just one route of getting into teaching - there's a few different options these days. Check out the Get Into Teaching website for more information.
So, a bit of background on what it actually is: the PGCE is a one-year teacher training course, loads of universities all over the country offer them, and in a whole variety of subjects. There are grants, bursaries and student loans available (all in a variety of values) so you're not going into a year of completely unpaid training. Over the year, you spend one third of your time studying at university, and two thirds of your time working and teaching in two different placement schools. Squished into the year there's also an opportunity to work for a week in a primary school as well - so you can see the transition from KS2 to KS3.
Anyway - so, you've accepted that place onto your PGCE course - if you're anything like me you'll no doubt me a bit clueless as to what happens next. I've written a few little survival tips to get you through those first few weeks back at university - and I hope you'll find it useful!
Make friends
Sounds like an obvious one, I know! But on that first day when you walk into that room, you'll be surrounded by new faces and it can be quite daunting - but all these people are going to be your survival team for the next nine months of your life. Our PGCE cohort set up a Facebook page where we shared our many woes, worries and success stories - do it - it'll make you realise you're all in the same boat.
Stay on top of your paperwork
I legit cannot stress this one enough. You will be inundated with paperwork from the minute your PGCE starts and until the minute it ends. File it! NEATLY! Somewhere down the line, some reading you've been given in a lecture about AFL that didn't seem important at the time will hold the key to an assignment and it'll be your little lifesaver. Not only that - but getting into the habit of logging lecture notes and filing paperwork now will help you out so much in the long run. It's a long year, you'll get shit tonnes of paper. Make sure it's organised.
BUY ALL THE STATIONERY
Linked to the above... Now you have every excuse under the sun to buy every folder, marker, highlighter, fancy pens, errrrrthang you need to kit out your ultimate teacher fantasies. I bought a new desk and filing cabinet and everything before my course started. I cannot stress enough how good stationery is the ultimate key to success.
Get to know your lecturers
DO this! Our course had about six lecturers for the different PGCE subjects - and they all took it in turns to lead different seminars throughout the year. These people are there to guide you, anything you're worried about - they've seen it allll before... My subject mentor was the handiest and most knowledgeable person I've ever had the pleasure of teaching me - and I know I'll continue to bother him with my teaching queries long into my career!
Immerse yourself fully into it
In your first couple weeks, you're going to get those horrendous and cheesy 'getting to know you' exercises. The horrible 'ice breaker' tasks; you know the ones! Honestly, the thought of them makes us all cringe but just say "sod it", throw caution to the wind and be yourself. You're training to be a teacher - so there will be plenty of opportunities where you're asked to stand up and present ideas, and talk to a group - embrace it. Nobody will laugh at you, and you're going to have to develop a pretty thick skin to this sort of stuff if you're about to get let loose in front of a bunch of kids.
Don't be a 'typical student'
The PGCE course is way more structured than any other course I've heard of. In your three year undergrad degree, you've got weeks and weeks to do things and nobody really checks up on you - the compressed nature of the PGCE means that it's seriously intense. I had daily to-do lists, and I'd get in from university in those first couple of weeks and spend an hour or two just collating the amount of information we'd been given on that day. Don't let it fall by the wayside early in, it's not like being an undergrad student again!!
Speaking of which...
Get to university early
Remember in that undergrad degree where you'd sleep in four days out of five and be late into uni and it not really matter? Yeah that doesn't happen any more. The PGCE course is treat like a job, if you're late in - it's noticed - and it's not appreciated. Treat it like work! Get there early, grab a coffee, organise yourself and your thoughts and be there ready and waiting with a pen in hand in those first few weeks. Think of it as prepping for the amount of work you'll have to do on your placements - you'll look back on those first couple of weeks with a nostalgic rose-tinted view. Trust me.
Don't believe the horror stories about social media
In that first week - you will be scared witless about the perils of teaching and social media. Trust me, I get it. I panicked. I had a blog with five years of my life that was very open, honest and VERY accessible. My Instagram feed is now private - my Facebook is pretty much on lockdown unless you're already a friend of mine on there - but you cannot censor your life.
You will go out for drinks, and you will be photographed holding them... So what? Just apply a degree of common sense to what gets published on your feeds and you'll be fine. I've recently changed my Twitter and Instagram handles just to make me that little bit harder to find... And I'll only use my first name on this blog. It's a security blanket rather than a need to fully censor myself. Just because you're a teacher does not mean you do not have a right to an online life - just be cautious about what is posted and what can and cannot be misconstrued. Like I say, it's common sense.
I mean there's plenty more I can write - and I mean there are probably hundreds of tips and tricks for the ultimate PGCE survival - but for now, it's all about prepping yourself back into that university frame of mind - and remembering that it's not all doom and gloom! It IS hard work, but it's SO worth it. Trust me.
27 August 2016
18 August 2016
How I Know I'm Getting Old
Excuse the title of this blog post, as I am well aware that at the age of 25 I am not considered remotely 'old'... However, there are plenty of reasons that I have to believe that I behave in ways possibly considered not normal for my age group, I mean it's not like I've started cracking out the Werther's Originals just yet, but these reasons of course I am happy to share with you.
I'm thrilled by new tea towels
I'm not joking. This week I spent a whole £10 on brand new tea towels and I literally cannot begin to describe how happy these pieces of cloth have made me. They're just so soft!
A cup of tea is the ultimate 'oh yes'
You know that sexually gratified sigh you sometimes make when something is *really* good. Yeah, that sound for me is reserved for a simple cup of tea. (Yorkshire Tea, mind - don't try give me any of this other crap...) Leave the teabag in for long enough for it to brew properly then add in the smallest splash of milk and you've got me exactly where you want me. Oh baby.
I listen to music now and I'm like WTF
Don't get me wrong, my go-to radio station in the car is Radio 1, and that ultimately deems me still a cool human being, but I'm not gonna lie - sometimes they'll play a song and I'm like "Seriously?! This is MUSIC?!" ...I mean don't get me wrong I'm all down for rapping along with Eminem and Macklemore like an absolute boss but I don't have a clue what's going on when it's this grime rap stuff. Somebody stick me some Radio 2 on and I'll understand again?
The most exciting part of a night out is the before and the after
Seriously. There's the 'before' part of the night that involves the getting ready - the outfit planning and the make-up putting on bit; y'know the contouring and highlighting and decided what shape your brows will be that night bit. Then there's about 5-8 shitty hours in between where you're stood waiting at bars for hours on end holding a crisp £20 note in your hand, whilst getting your arse groped by strangers... Then there's the 'after' part of the night when you're stood in your local takeaway getting a kebab and cheesy chips just thinking about how good it's going to be when you kick them heels off, and how comfy your bed is gonna be when you get in.
Seriously. The 'before' and 'after' parts of a night out are the effing BEST. I don't care who you are.
I hate clubs
This kind of links into the above, but clubs are just absolutely crap - unless it's like a 'Reflex' style club or like the bottom floor of Rosie's in Chester (niche, I know) - but basically, unless they're playing the ultimate tunes of the 80's/90's then I am not interested. I'd 100% rather be in a bar or a pub, sat having a natter than in sweaty club, attempting to shout over the absolutely shite music and paying three times what I'd like to pay for a mojito, thanks.
Shopping. Get in. Get Out. Get done.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I used to love shopping, FOR HOURS. I'd literally need to buy nothing and yet I'd manage to spend six hours in the White Rose Shopping Centre just browsing. Ain't NOBODY got time for that these days. These days it's like a snatch and grab. Get in, get out, make sure you've got everything you need, check for survivors, etc.
New bedding is THE BEST
Don't tell me you don't appreciate the simple gratification that comes with freshly laundered duvet covers. Sliding yourself into bed when the covers are clean (and you have shaven legs, ideally) is the BEST FEELING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER.
I no longer understand Internet trends
Remember when it was just #YOLO and #JustSayin', a bit of LOL and ROFL? Hahahahah the golden era of Internet slang and acronyms. Now it's all ygm, af, bae and the frog/coffee emoji combo. I am so unashamed to admit that I've had to Urban Dictionary at least three times about what certain slang terms mean... And at least once I've still been completely clueless afterwards. Like, is this it? Do I have to start buying slip-on shoes now?
Speaking of slip-on shoes...
I recently bought a pair of Skechers
For comfort purposes only. When I went to Edinburgh for the Fringe Festival, I knew I'd be doing a hell of a lot of walking and I didn't want to be crying about my feet hurting. I legit bought some slip-on Skechers and I WAS SO COMFY FOR THE WHOLE WEEK. I have no regrets. It's not like I've got the stage of buying Crocs yet or anything #sorrynotsorry.
Facebook is the DEVIL
I confess, I'm still ridiculously into Facebook and I post probably way more than I should for a 25 year old human being - however, Facebook is also a constant reminder that you're way 'behind' other people who were in your year at school/same graduating year at university because they've already got two kids and another one on the way... Or they just got engaged after spending a whole summer travelling Europe! Yaaaaaay....
And by 'yaaaaay', I mean 'urghhh' - just do one will you?
Getting ID-ed is the best feeling in the world
I'm pretty sure when I was 17 and I got ID-ed, it was the end of the world. It meant whichever club I was attempting to get into was completely impossible for the rest of the night and undoubtedly ruined my entire evening. However, now with 'Challenge 25' or whatever it's called in full force, it means that sometimes I'm still lucky enough to look younger than my age - and I get asked for ID and it's BLISSFUL to pass over that driving licence with a smug expression on my face like 'yes, serve me this alcohol woman...'
I own a pair of slippers
Not only do I own a pair (okay... Three pairs) of slippers... I also take them places with me - like when I go around to my friends house for tea/drinks - yeah I take my slippers with me. I'll also take my pyjama bottoms with me - because you're having a laugh if you think I'm spending the entire night in my jeans... As soon as I say hiya and grace their threshold, my pyjama bottoms are being unravelled and I am getting myself comfy. I don't care what you say.
And last but not least...
I don't have time for your shit any more
D'ya know when I was younger, and if I fancied you - I'd put up with all sorts of crap just to get to see you/talk to you again... Nowadays I don't hang about. If you wanted to see me, you'd make an effort to see me/talk to me... Otherwise, nah you're alright bro. I haven't got time for your crap any more - I'm an adult now, I've got loads of stuff going on in my life. Make an effort will you?
So anyway... That's why I know I'm getting old now. There's probably one million other reasons that I could come up with - except I've had a bottle of Prosecco and quite a few beers tonight so I can't quite think them up...
Let me know if you can think of any others though. I like knowing other people feel old as well as me, it makes me feel better.
I'm thrilled by new tea towels
I'm not joking. This week I spent a whole £10 on brand new tea towels and I literally cannot begin to describe how happy these pieces of cloth have made me. They're just so soft!
A cup of tea is the ultimate 'oh yes'
You know that sexually gratified sigh you sometimes make when something is *really* good. Yeah, that sound for me is reserved for a simple cup of tea. (Yorkshire Tea, mind - don't try give me any of this other crap...) Leave the teabag in for long enough for it to brew properly then add in the smallest splash of milk and you've got me exactly where you want me. Oh baby.
I listen to music now and I'm like WTF
Don't get me wrong, my go-to radio station in the car is Radio 1, and that ultimately deems me still a cool human being, but I'm not gonna lie - sometimes they'll play a song and I'm like "Seriously?! This is MUSIC?!" ...I mean don't get me wrong I'm all down for rapping along with Eminem and Macklemore like an absolute boss but I don't have a clue what's going on when it's this grime rap stuff. Somebody stick me some Radio 2 on and I'll understand again?
The most exciting part of a night out is the before and the after
Seriously. There's the 'before' part of the night that involves the getting ready - the outfit planning and the make-up putting on bit; y'know the contouring and highlighting and decided what shape your brows will be that night bit. Then there's about 5-8 shitty hours in between where you're stood waiting at bars for hours on end holding a crisp £20 note in your hand, whilst getting your arse groped by strangers... Then there's the 'after' part of the night when you're stood in your local takeaway getting a kebab and cheesy chips just thinking about how good it's going to be when you kick them heels off, and how comfy your bed is gonna be when you get in.
Seriously. The 'before' and 'after' parts of a night out are the effing BEST. I don't care who you are.
I hate clubs
This kind of links into the above, but clubs are just absolutely crap - unless it's like a 'Reflex' style club or like the bottom floor of Rosie's in Chester (niche, I know) - but basically, unless they're playing the ultimate tunes of the 80's/90's then I am not interested. I'd 100% rather be in a bar or a pub, sat having a natter than in sweaty club, attempting to shout over the absolutely shite music and paying three times what I'd like to pay for a mojito, thanks.
Shopping. Get in. Get Out. Get done.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I used to love shopping, FOR HOURS. I'd literally need to buy nothing and yet I'd manage to spend six hours in the White Rose Shopping Centre just browsing. Ain't NOBODY got time for that these days. These days it's like a snatch and grab. Get in, get out, make sure you've got everything you need, check for survivors, etc.
New bedding is THE BEST
Don't tell me you don't appreciate the simple gratification that comes with freshly laundered duvet covers. Sliding yourself into bed when the covers are clean (and you have shaven legs, ideally) is the BEST FEELING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER.
I no longer understand Internet trends
Remember when it was just #YOLO and #JustSayin', a bit of LOL and ROFL? Hahahahah the golden era of Internet slang and acronyms. Now it's all ygm, af, bae and the frog/coffee emoji combo. I am so unashamed to admit that I've had to Urban Dictionary at least three times about what certain slang terms mean... And at least once I've still been completely clueless afterwards. Like, is this it? Do I have to start buying slip-on shoes now?
Speaking of slip-on shoes...
I recently bought a pair of Skechers
For comfort purposes only. When I went to Edinburgh for the Fringe Festival, I knew I'd be doing a hell of a lot of walking and I didn't want to be crying about my feet hurting. I legit bought some slip-on Skechers and I WAS SO COMFY FOR THE WHOLE WEEK. I have no regrets. It's not like I've got the stage of buying Crocs yet or anything #sorrynotsorry.
Facebook is the DEVIL
I confess, I'm still ridiculously into Facebook and I post probably way more than I should for a 25 year old human being - however, Facebook is also a constant reminder that you're way 'behind' other people who were in your year at school/same graduating year at university because they've already got two kids and another one on the way... Or they just got engaged after spending a whole summer travelling Europe! Yaaaaaay....
And by 'yaaaaay', I mean 'urghhh' - just do one will you?
Getting ID-ed is the best feeling in the world
I'm pretty sure when I was 17 and I got ID-ed, it was the end of the world. It meant whichever club I was attempting to get into was completely impossible for the rest of the night and undoubtedly ruined my entire evening. However, now with 'Challenge 25' or whatever it's called in full force, it means that sometimes I'm still lucky enough to look younger than my age - and I get asked for ID and it's BLISSFUL to pass over that driving licence with a smug expression on my face like 'yes, serve me this alcohol woman...'
I own a pair of slippers
Not only do I own a pair (okay... Three pairs) of slippers... I also take them places with me - like when I go around to my friends house for tea/drinks - yeah I take my slippers with me. I'll also take my pyjama bottoms with me - because you're having a laugh if you think I'm spending the entire night in my jeans... As soon as I say hiya and grace their threshold, my pyjama bottoms are being unravelled and I am getting myself comfy. I don't care what you say.
And last but not least...
I don't have time for your shit any more
D'ya know when I was younger, and if I fancied you - I'd put up with all sorts of crap just to get to see you/talk to you again... Nowadays I don't hang about. If you wanted to see me, you'd make an effort to see me/talk to me... Otherwise, nah you're alright bro. I haven't got time for your crap any more - I'm an adult now, I've got loads of stuff going on in my life. Make an effort will you?
So anyway... That's why I know I'm getting old now. There's probably one million other reasons that I could come up with - except I've had a bottle of Prosecco and quite a few beers tonight so I can't quite think them up...
Let me know if you can think of any others though. I like knowing other people feel old as well as me, it makes me feel better.
13 August 2016
Why I'm Swiping Left
I am not one that could ever profess to be a 'dating expert', nor could I ever be perceived as overly experienced when it comes to talking to blokes - if anything, I'm probably more likely to insult you profusely and mask it as 'banter' if I'm attempting to flirt with you... Then I'll get nervous, talk too much and no doubt make an absolute idiot of myself. HOWEVER, I reckon I've been on the 'dating scene' (lol) for long enough now to understand that it's absolutely pants these days.
I'm not asking for a guy to lay down his coat for me to step over so I don't muddy my shoes. I'm not asking for a Chris Pratt lookalike to sweep me off my feet (good luck pal, I'm heavy - wouldn't envy you) and I'm certainly not asking for the handsome Prince Charming to come and 'rescue me' from my sad, single life. NAH. I'm just asking for a bloke to just... Put in some effort?
I say this because it's Saturday night, and I'm finding myself - as ever - sitting down with a brew with a bit of the Olympics on in the background and inevitably I find myself reaching for my phone and opening up that good ol' red flame we all know and love - oh yes, boys and girls, it's Tinder.
Tinder. GOOD OLD TINDER. So much to answer for, and yet so little to answer for at the same time. We all know it's not ideal, and yet I genuinely know people who've had incredibly successful relationships (and engagements, holla!) off the back of it. But anyway, I find myself tonight, sitting with iPhone in hand, swiping - endlessly, endlessly swiping. Left. Usually.
Why endlessly swiping? Is it because the degree of scintillating profiles is just too much to bear and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I simply cannot cope with the level of sheer perfection in front of me?
No. Of course not. Don't be silly. Have you ever used Tinder?
I've compiled a list of the things that truly, truly get on my tits about this 'dating app' and I'm feeling so compelled to share it with you that it's just getting published tonight because I'm feeling spontaneous. Woo!
Right so here goes. Blokes, I'm probably swiping left because:
All of your profile shots are group photos
Why? WHY?! I have a theory about this sort of thing, I truly believe that if your profile shots are group photos then it's because you're the ugliest one in your group of mates and you're trying to overcompensate. Not the case? THEN DELETE THE GROUP PHOTO THEN AND SHOW ME YOUR FACE, AND YOUR FACE ONLY. I haven't got time to work out which one you are.
You have bad quality photos
I'm sorry. Is this 2004? Did you take this on your toaster? I'm not asking for a modelling agency or production casting head shot, I just wanna see your face.
...Speaking of seeing your FACE
Seriously. Stop showing me other things. You know exactly what I mean.
You have photos with another girl
I don't care if it's your sister, your cousin, your auntie, or anybody else. I ain't got time to work out who that other person is and I'm 99% sure that it's usually an ex-girlfriend. Take some new photos.
You have photos with your children
Why would you want photos of your children plastered all over something as (usually) seedy as Tinder? Just write that you're a father/mother in your bio and we can move on. Tinder ain't no place for kids. And whilst I'm on the subject...
"The kid in the photos isn't mine"
Urm, do you have no other photos of you except ones with these mysterious children? STOP POSTING PHOTOS OF CHILDREN ON TINDER.
Your profile says you're older than you are
"Don't know why my profile says I'm 27 but really I'm 18". It's because you're lying about your age on Facebook and therefore showing up on my algorithm because I'm specifically searching for people over the age of 24. Don't give me all this crap that you don't know how to change it, just stop hunting for cougars you desperadoes.
You're STILL referencing lads holidays from the 00's
Having the phrases "Maga '09 forever!" and "Ayia Napa 2k10" will win you a one-way ticket to the left hand side of my screen. GTFO of here with that crap. Grow up. Similarly, if you're the type of bloke who thinks a stint in Ibiza is the perfect idea of a holiday then you're not the guy for me. Exit stage left, thank you please.
You have one of these 'group' Tinder things...
I don't even understand this thing. I just know it looks intimidating as anything and I get the horrible feeling that I'm going to get gang-raped by your seedy little Tinder group if I see you out in public. Stop hunting in packs. It's weird and makes me anxious.
You're quite clearly a catfisher
I say this as someone who has been catfished and has caught out the catfisher. Only for the catfisher to decide to stalk me and send a dozen red roses to my workplace as an apology. Creepiest experience of my life. I thought for weeks that this guy was going to turn up at my front door and offer me his hand in marriage. He didn't.
Your bio is rubbish
I'm not asking for Shakespeare. I'm just asking for something that isn't a load of crap Anchorman quotes strung together by irrelevant emojis and fake reviews from girls you've dated. Go away.
Your bio includes only your Snapchat name
I know your game. Get out of here with your real-life aubergine emojis. My innocence has been ruined by people like you. Don't question my innocence, just accept it and let's move on.
Or how about: "I'll lie about how we met if anyone asks"
Oh HAHAHHAAHA, you're so original. Shut up.
You have nothing in your bio whatsoever
You boring, boring sod. Write something - literally, anything. The fact you have absolutely zilch written in your bio tells me you've got the imagination of a houseplant and no doubt the same inability to keep a conversation alive. I don't want to have to water you.
So yeah. Is it any wonder I'm still single?
I mean it's not all bad... You know, there's a lot of swiping, swiping, swiping, swiping. Stopping, opening profiles, sighing at said profiles, closing profiles, once again swiping (left, obviously). Ooh! Opening profiles, scrolling through pictures, liking the pictures, reading the bio, liking the bio!
Swipe right?! Yeah, swipe right - A MATCH?! NO WAY!! *says funny opening line, waits for other person to instantly respond* ...AND THEN NEVER HEARING ANYTHING.
Oh great. Thanks. I'll just go back to my 'sad, single life' now then shall I?
I mean yeah I know Tinder is a laugh. It's not serious. People only really look on it for one thing, and one thing only - but c'mon, have a sense of decency please?!
I'm not asking for a guy to lay down his coat for me to step over so I don't muddy my shoes. I'm not asking for a Chris Pratt lookalike to sweep me off my feet (good luck pal, I'm heavy - wouldn't envy you) and I'm certainly not asking for the handsome Prince Charming to come and 'rescue me' from my sad, single life. NAH. I'm just asking for a bloke to just... Put in some effort?
I say this because it's Saturday night, and I'm finding myself - as ever - sitting down with a brew with a bit of the Olympics on in the background and inevitably I find myself reaching for my phone and opening up that good ol' red flame we all know and love - oh yes, boys and girls, it's Tinder.
Tinder. GOOD OLD TINDER. So much to answer for, and yet so little to answer for at the same time. We all know it's not ideal, and yet I genuinely know people who've had incredibly successful relationships (and engagements, holla!) off the back of it. But anyway, I find myself tonight, sitting with iPhone in hand, swiping - endlessly, endlessly swiping. Left. Usually.
Why endlessly swiping? Is it because the degree of scintillating profiles is just too much to bear and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I simply cannot cope with the level of sheer perfection in front of me?
No. Of course not. Don't be silly. Have you ever used Tinder?
I've compiled a list of the things that truly, truly get on my tits about this 'dating app' and I'm feeling so compelled to share it with you that it's just getting published tonight because I'm feeling spontaneous. Woo!
Right so here goes. Blokes, I'm probably swiping left because:
All of your profile shots are group photos
Why? WHY?! I have a theory about this sort of thing, I truly believe that if your profile shots are group photos then it's because you're the ugliest one in your group of mates and you're trying to overcompensate. Not the case? THEN DELETE THE GROUP PHOTO THEN AND SHOW ME YOUR FACE, AND YOUR FACE ONLY. I haven't got time to work out which one you are.
You have bad quality photos
I'm sorry. Is this 2004? Did you take this on your toaster? I'm not asking for a modelling agency or production casting head shot, I just wanna see your face.
...Speaking of seeing your FACE
Seriously. Stop showing me other things. You know exactly what I mean.
You have photos with another girl
I don't care if it's your sister, your cousin, your auntie, or anybody else. I ain't got time to work out who that other person is and I'm 99% sure that it's usually an ex-girlfriend. Take some new photos.
You have photos with your children
Why would you want photos of your children plastered all over something as (usually) seedy as Tinder? Just write that you're a father/mother in your bio and we can move on. Tinder ain't no place for kids. And whilst I'm on the subject...
"The kid in the photos isn't mine"
Urm, do you have no other photos of you except ones with these mysterious children? STOP POSTING PHOTOS OF CHILDREN ON TINDER.
Your profile says you're older than you are
"Don't know why my profile says I'm 27 but really I'm 18". It's because you're lying about your age on Facebook and therefore showing up on my algorithm because I'm specifically searching for people over the age of 24. Don't give me all this crap that you don't know how to change it, just stop hunting for cougars you desperadoes.
You're STILL referencing lads holidays from the 00's
Having the phrases "Maga '09 forever!" and "Ayia Napa 2k10" will win you a one-way ticket to the left hand side of my screen. GTFO of here with that crap. Grow up. Similarly, if you're the type of bloke who thinks a stint in Ibiza is the perfect idea of a holiday then you're not the guy for me. Exit stage left, thank you please.
You have one of these 'group' Tinder things...
I don't even understand this thing. I just know it looks intimidating as anything and I get the horrible feeling that I'm going to get gang-raped by your seedy little Tinder group if I see you out in public. Stop hunting in packs. It's weird and makes me anxious.
You're quite clearly a catfisher
I say this as someone who has been catfished and has caught out the catfisher. Only for the catfisher to decide to stalk me and send a dozen red roses to my workplace as an apology. Creepiest experience of my life. I thought for weeks that this guy was going to turn up at my front door and offer me his hand in marriage. He didn't.
Your bio is rubbish
I'm not asking for Shakespeare. I'm just asking for something that isn't a load of crap Anchorman quotes strung together by irrelevant emojis and fake reviews from girls you've dated. Go away.
Your bio includes only your Snapchat name
I know your game. Get out of here with your real-life aubergine emojis. My innocence has been ruined by people like you. Don't question my innocence, just accept it and let's move on.
Or how about: "I'll lie about how we met if anyone asks"
Oh HAHAHHAAHA, you're so original. Shut up.
You have nothing in your bio whatsoever
You boring, boring sod. Write something - literally, anything. The fact you have absolutely zilch written in your bio tells me you've got the imagination of a houseplant and no doubt the same inability to keep a conversation alive. I don't want to have to water you.
So yeah. Is it any wonder I'm still single?
I mean it's not all bad... You know, there's a lot of swiping, swiping, swiping, swiping. Stopping, opening profiles, sighing at said profiles, closing profiles, once again swiping (left, obviously). Ooh! Opening profiles, scrolling through pictures, liking the pictures, reading the bio, liking the bio!
Swipe right?! Yeah, swipe right - A MATCH?! NO WAY!! *says funny opening line, waits for other person to instantly respond* ...AND THEN NEVER HEARING ANYTHING.
Oh great. Thanks. I'll just go back to my 'sad, single life' now then shall I?
I mean yeah I know Tinder is a laugh. It's not serious. People only really look on it for one thing, and one thing only - but c'mon, have a sense of decency please?!
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