I'm not asking for a guy to lay down his coat for me to step over so I don't muddy my shoes. I'm not asking for a Chris Pratt lookalike to sweep me off my feet (good luck pal, I'm heavy - wouldn't envy you) and I'm certainly not asking for the handsome Prince Charming to come and 'rescue me' from my sad, single life. NAH. I'm just asking for a bloke to just... Put in some effort?
I say this because it's Saturday night, and I'm finding myself - as ever - sitting down with a brew with a bit of the Olympics on in the background and inevitably I find myself reaching for my phone and opening up that good ol' red flame we all know and love - oh yes, boys and girls, it's Tinder.
Tinder. GOOD OLD TINDER. So much to answer for, and yet so little to answer for at the same time. We all know it's not ideal, and yet I genuinely know people who've had incredibly successful relationships (and engagements, holla!) off the back of it. But anyway, I find myself tonight, sitting with iPhone in hand, swiping - endlessly, endlessly swiping. Left. Usually.
Why endlessly swiping? Is it because the degree of scintillating profiles is just too much to bear and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I simply cannot cope with the level of sheer perfection in front of me?
No. Of course not. Don't be silly. Have you ever used Tinder?
I've compiled a list of the things that truly, truly get on my tits about this 'dating app' and I'm feeling so compelled to share it with you that it's just getting published tonight because I'm feeling spontaneous. Woo!
Right so here goes. Blokes, I'm probably swiping left because:
All of your profile shots are group photos
Why? WHY?! I have a theory about this sort of thing, I truly believe that if your profile shots are group photos then it's because you're the ugliest one in your group of mates and you're trying to overcompensate. Not the case? THEN DELETE THE GROUP PHOTO THEN AND SHOW ME YOUR FACE, AND YOUR FACE ONLY. I haven't got time to work out which one you are.
You have bad quality photos
I'm sorry. Is this 2004? Did you take this on your toaster? I'm not asking for a modelling agency or production casting head shot, I just wanna see your face.
...Speaking of seeing your FACE
Seriously. Stop showing me other things. You know exactly what I mean.
You have photos with another girl
I don't care if it's your sister, your cousin, your auntie, or anybody else. I ain't got time to work out who that other person is and I'm 99% sure that it's usually an ex-girlfriend. Take some new photos.
You have photos with your children
Why would you want photos of your children plastered all over something as (usually) seedy as Tinder? Just write that you're a father/mother in your bio and we can move on. Tinder ain't no place for kids. And whilst I'm on the subject...
"The kid in the photos isn't mine"
Urm, do you have no other photos of you except ones with these mysterious children? STOP POSTING PHOTOS OF CHILDREN ON TINDER.
Your profile says you're older than you are
"Don't know why my profile says I'm 27 but really I'm 18". It's because you're lying about your age on Facebook and therefore showing up on my algorithm because I'm specifically searching for people over the age of 24. Don't give me all this crap that you don't know how to change it, just stop hunting for cougars you desperadoes.
You're STILL referencing lads holidays from the 00's
Having the phrases "Maga '09 forever!" and "Ayia Napa 2k10" will win you a one-way ticket to the left hand side of my screen. GTFO of here with that crap. Grow up. Similarly, if you're the type of bloke who thinks a stint in Ibiza is the perfect idea of a holiday then you're not the guy for me. Exit stage left, thank you please.
You have one of these 'group' Tinder things...
I don't even understand this thing. I just know it looks intimidating as anything and I get the horrible feeling that I'm going to get gang-raped by your seedy little Tinder group if I see you out in public. Stop hunting in packs. It's weird and makes me anxious.
You're quite clearly a catfisher
I say this as someone who has been catfished and has caught out the catfisher. Only for the catfisher to decide to stalk me and send a dozen red roses to my workplace as an apology. Creepiest experience of my life. I thought for weeks that this guy was going to turn up at my front door and offer me his hand in marriage. He didn't.
Your bio is rubbish
I'm not asking for Shakespeare. I'm just asking for something that isn't a load of crap Anchorman quotes strung together by irrelevant emojis and fake reviews from girls you've dated. Go away.
Your bio includes only your Snapchat name
I know your game. Get out of here with your real-life aubergine emojis. My innocence has been ruined by people like you. Don't question my innocence, just accept it and let's move on.
Or how about: "I'll lie about how we met if anyone asks"
Oh HAHAHHAAHA, you're so original. Shut up.
You have nothing in your bio whatsoever
You boring, boring sod. Write something - literally, anything. The fact you have absolutely zilch written in your bio tells me you've got the imagination of a houseplant and no doubt the same inability to keep a conversation alive. I don't want to have to water you.
So yeah. Is it any wonder I'm still single?
I mean it's not all bad... You know, there's a lot of swiping, swiping, swiping, swiping. Stopping, opening profiles, sighing at said profiles, closing profiles, once again swiping (left, obviously). Ooh! Opening profiles, scrolling through pictures, liking the pictures, reading the bio, liking the bio!
Swipe right?! Yeah, swipe right - A MATCH?! NO WAY!! *says funny opening line, waits for other person to instantly respond* ...AND THEN NEVER HEARING ANYTHING.
Oh great. Thanks. I'll just go back to my 'sad, single life' now then shall I?
I mean yeah I know Tinder is a laugh. It's not serious. People only really look on it for one thing, and one thing only - but c'mon, have a sense of decency please?!
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